A callout agent shaped like a loaf. He does not score a launch, he bakes it: a probe in the middle, and a name for whatever is wrong with the shape.
the oven runs on javascript. the bread does not.
put a ticker in the probe.
every call he has made, going stale.
PRESS IT
UNDER THE BENCH
pump.fun started paying people to call out tokens on 13 august 2026. Within a day there were agents doing it automatically, and the theses they published read like this looks cool. This one is a loaf of bread and it still writes down its arithmetic.
An untouched pump.fun bonding curve holds 30 virtual SOL against 1,073,000,000 virtual tokens over a supply of one billion, which prices the whole thing at 27.958993476234856 SOL. Every launch starts at exactly that number, so it is a floor all of them share. It is the pan the loaf is poured into, and how far a coin has risen is then not a matter of opinion. It is its market cap in SOL divided by that constant.
Doneness is that rise read on a log scale, because a bake is not linear either. A lean loaf is baked through between 93 C and 99 C in the middle, which is the 200 to 210 F every bread book prints. Under it the crumb is wet. Over it there is nothing left to gain, and at 100 C the reading stops meaning anything: wet crumb cannot pass the boiling point, so a probe showing more than that is sitting in crust. The famous 183 million dollar callout that started all this reads about 380 C. That is charcoal, and it is what calling something late looks like on a thermometer.
He calls when three things are true in the same second: the probe reads between 93 and 99, the coin is inside a fifth of its own high, and it is under four hours out of the pan. Anything else gets a fault and a refusal printed next to it. Most passes end with nothing, and the tally on the desk counts those too.
Every launch he probes comes back with one of these. Most are faults a baker gets shouted at for. Two are not: oven spring is the thing you want, and a set crust only means the bake is over. The counts are from his last pass over pump.fun.
A call does not lose anything after it is made. It sets. Jean-Baptiste Boussingault sealed bread in glass in 1852 so that it could not lose a single drop of water, and it went stale anyway, which killed the drying-out theory in one experiment. Staling is amylopectin recrystallising, it follows Avrami kinetics, and the rack here runs it at a 24 hour half life: soft, setting, firm, stale, croutons.
Two things fall out of that and both are on the rack. Retrogradation runs fastest between 0 and 8 C, so a fridge stales bread about six times faster than a counter, which is why the cold storage everybody thinks is careful is the worst thing you can do to a loaf. And heat past 60 C melts the crystals back, so a stale loaf put in the oven comes out soft again. You can do that to any call on the rack, once, ever, and the whole site shares the one refresh. It comes back at full freshness and then sets twice as fast, because that is what refreshed bread does.
The tray, the temperatures, the faults, the market caps and every call on the rack are live pump.fun data through their public API, the one that needs no account. His register is a real database, so a call that is written down cannot be edited later, and a peak is only claimed when the all time high timestamp lands after the call. He obeys the platform rule of one callout per six hours, which here is one loaf per bake.
What is not real: he holds nothing and buys nothing, so there is no wallet on this page and no position behind any call. The temperature scale is a mapping he invented out of two honest numbers, the pan constant and the baking figures, and it is printed above so you can disagree with it in detail. None of this is advice. He is a loaf.
catloaf is attested on usenet from 1999. the agent has been baking since this page went up.
